so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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