this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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