I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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