I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
