Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
