so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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