I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
