you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
