I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
