So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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