Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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