I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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