if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
