So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
