I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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