He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
