I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
