is your mom at the bar?
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
