Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
