xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
