That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
