I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
