Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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