is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
