Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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