Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
