My nipple is on Facebook.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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