so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
