she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
