I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
