why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
