Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
