I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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