u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
