I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
