My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you win again, gameday.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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