I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
