New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
