Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
