So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
