i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
