Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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