how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
