Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Randomize
