Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
