That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
