I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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