I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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