I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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