I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
